R.I.P. Here Lies Our Generation's Class
Today, walking down the hallway, something hit me so hard I nearly dropped my books to the floor. As I passed the kids with their pants down below their knees, the people throwing around cuss words like they were a beach balls, the less-than-private couples “walking” down the hall, the girls wearing outfits with holes and mismatched fabrics, the boys with their faces completely hidden behind a wall of unkempt hair, and the numerous other things that happen so often that I’ve grown oblivious to their presence, the thought finally hit me: Where in the world did our class go? So todays rant will be about class: grow some and read this to the end(; Let’s start with the females shall we?
There was a time when women wore nothing but dresses and jewelry (now, don’t get me wrong. I like my bluejeans just as much as the next girl, and I have no plans on going back to wearing ankle length cotton dresses that resemble a couch that was shot, but I only mentioned the dress to make a point). Can someone, PLEASE, tell me how in the Sam Hill we went from elegant ball gowns with frills and fans to the little dental flosses that some of the girls I see try to get away with?! I mean, I’m not without blame (though compared to some of you, I should be a saint). I’ve had dress code violations before, but never to the extent of some of the things some people never think about twice. Here’s a little hint for you: IF YOU BEND OVER AND YOU FEEL A BREEZE, IT AIN’T CLASSY. (Keep in mind, saying “aint” was only used for comic relief and it is MOST DEFINITELY unclassy to use it day-to-day.) But enough about the clothes, I can tell some of you are hopeless on that part… Okay, I totally get natural beauty. Really, I think that every girl on the face of the planet has some in her (some more than others, obviously, but that’s not the point). But here’s the issue: when in public, people shouldn’t have to ask themselves whether or not you showered that morning. It’s a simple as that. If you have long hair, FIX IT. I don’t care what the heck you do with it, straighten it, wear it curly, put it into a NEAT pony-tail, it doesn’t matter. What DOES matter however, is that I shouldn’t be able to look at your hair and know that if I squeezed it hard enough, I’d have enough grease to fry up some french-fries. Really, that’s not attractive to anyone, and it shouldn’t be to you. That sums up the physicality parts of being a classy female, so now on to the actual class. Girls, who on the face of the planet thinks it’s dainty to spit? REALLY? If you are female and you are spitting loogies out of your mouth, I no longer consider us of the same gender. You have been exiled from being a female. I don’t care what your chromosomes say, I will not be associated with you. The same for being a “tease”. If you throw yourself at every guy like he’s the last life boat on the Titanic, not only are you pathetically desperate, you are so unclassy that even the angry trashcan man on Sesame Street is above you in the class category. Come on, show some self-respect ladies.
Gentleman, please stop laughing so hard at the ladies’ critiques: we wouldn’t want your saggy britches to slide off with the movement, now would we? There’s my biggest thing with the physical aspects of a classy man: a gentleman knows that no one wants to see his Spiderman boxers, so he pulls his pants up and act rights. The classy gentleman also dresses everyday in a CLEAN (let me stress this again: CLEAN. (umm and for our less than genius gentlemen in the audience, clean is not something that smells decent that you found in the bottom of your closet.)) shirt that fits him correctly, and a pair of pants/shorts that sit properly at his waist, void of all raggedy holes or stains. It’s not rugged and sexy: it’s trashy and it bears the strong resemblance to a hobo. Also, a gentleman’s hair is clean, combed, and, preferably, unobtrusive to the view of his face (but like I’ve always said, two out of three is better than none out of three). As far as the personality of a gentleman: he has three basic rules. They are: women deserve the best (i.e. opening doors, not swearing in front of them, paying for dinner, NOT PUNCHING HER IN THE ARM even if it’s “as a joke,” etc.), respect is everything (i.e. respecting elders, respecting himself, respecting family and religion, etc), and finally, honesty is always the best policy. A gentleman tries to tell the truth whenever possible and he looks out for those whom he cares. So here’s a novel idea, teenage boys of my generation: you want to be considered a man? START ACTING LIKE IT.
So here’s a little general recap:
Being Classy 101:
1.Manners Matter!
- DO NOT chew with your mouth open.
- DO NOT smack your gum like a camel.
- DO NOT curse in front of women, and ladies: just don’t do it.
- DO respect everyone, regardless of the person.
- DO say “please” and “thank you”
- DO apologize when accidentally bumping someone.
2. A first impression is the most important impression!
- DO NOT let your privates stop being private.
- DO NOT have skin showing in places it shouldn’t.
- DO NOT wear clothes that do not fit.
A. Gentlemen: keep your pants up and shirts fitting properly.
B. Ladies: keep your clothes loose enough to not be mistaken as a second skin. DO dress yourselves modestly, but still fashionably.
- DO try to remember that other people do have to look at you all day as well.
- DO remember that if your grandmamma wouldn’t approve, the Classy Checklist probably wouldn’t either.
3. Be a productive member of society!
- DO NOT partake in illegal activities. Believe it or not, jail time is NOT classy!
- DO NOT be lazy and wait for others to do your work.
- DO NOT drop out of high school (because, Mc Donald’s uniforms are not classy.
- DO go to school (see 3rd “do not” for reasoning).
- DO respect the traffic laws.
- DO “do” your part to help make society function properly.
Alright, well there you have it folks. There is no excuse now to act like a bunch of heathen children! Plus, now that you’ve all been educated in the arts of Class, you can help me spread the word!
Stay Classy!
-the original unreasonable teenager
